I HAVE ONLY BEEN SECOND HONOR IN GRADE 1.

Yes. I have only been second-honor in grade 1. After that, I promised myself to work hard to always achieve the top spot. And I did. I graduated valedictorian and was at the top of the class even in my first year of high school.

Until I was pushed to transfer to Pisay (Philscie) in my second year. It was hard. It was like jumping from the ground floor to the fifth floor and catching up with a lot of basics I wasn’t able to learn coming from a different school. There, I met a lot of minds better than mine. There, I saw I wasn’t the best. And there, I saw I wasn’t the most intelligent.

I did poorly in my second year. So I crumbled–lost all confidence and questioned my capabilities. I lost my passion for studying, my drive to become excellent. I shrunk to mediocrity and accepted nga bugo ko.

I carried this mentality until college and even carried the pain of defeat for a long, long time. I did not do good in college. I was always late, absent in class, and studied major exams just hours before the exam. Receiving exam results was always painful, hangtod nangubal nalang ko sa sakit.

For a time, I really felt unfortunate and blamed the Pisay move.

“If I had not moved to Pisay, I would have been a different person” “I would have been more confident” “My progress would have been continuous” “Perhaps I may have graduated with flying colors”…

It was years of regret until my knowledge of God increased.

When I started to have a relationship with GOD, I started to see things from a different perspective.

I was too self-confident when I was younger. I looked down on people. I did not want to be second. I always wanted to be first. Had I not transferred to Pisay, who knows how difficult it would be to tame my prideful spirit?

I realized that sometimes our defeats are often God’s providences so that He could write humility in our hearts. Though in the eyes of men we look like losers, but these losses are our teachers, refining the i am in us, so that the I AM could have His rightful space.

PRIDE is such a fearful foe that in its face, our defeats become blessings. They plunge us back to humility.

The triumph of Jericho is not the only win, the defeat in Ai also is.

SELF is a sneaky enemy. One moment of losing sight of Jesus allows self to creep, and sometimes, we don’t realize we were already engulfed by covetousness.

We always want to be richer than the others so that people would not look down on us. But once we become rich, there would always be people richer than us, so we desire to have more.

We always want to be better than the others, but there would always be people better than us, so we desire to be much better, or we shrink down at the thought of not being the best.

Truth is, this struggle never ends until self becomes dead.

Well, we never learned from history. Solomon was already at the pinnacle of all the things we ever desired. He was the best, in everything. But at the pinnacle of his success, he saw everything as vanity. Everything was vanity for a man who had everything.

An eye single to His glory.

Perhaps, this is what we need. When we compare ourselves with others to please the world, there will always be unrest.

Others may say, maypa siya, nakastudy sa US.. But the reality is akoy pinakabugo diri.. murag kog bata di kabalo unsay buhaton sa lab. I am struggling to finish my dissertation. Moreover, my money is just enough for my food and daily living.

We were never advised to look at people. We were just told to look to Jesus. The goal is not to become the best among others, but the best like Jesus.

An eye single to His glory. Best like Jesus.

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee..”

I am writing this to remember what I am learning here. My defeats are my spiritual victories. When I go back to the Philippines, I want to remember my lowest points, so that I will never forget that there is nothing in me that ever made me successful. It is what the Lord has done and can do for me that has given me and will give me success.

Being humble is hard. But workable… and, possible in Jesus.

Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor mine eyes lofty: neither do I exercise myself in great matters, or in things too high for me.

Surely I have behaved and quieted myself, as a child that is weaned of his mother: my soul is even as a weaned child.

Let Israel hope in the Lord from henceforth and for ever.Psalm 131

CUTTING OFF

Have you ever had someone cut you off without you knowing?

I was always that someone… someone that cuts off.

Although some may find me extroverted, being friendly doesn’t come to me naturally. I used to stay at the corner of our church and never greet church members. It wasn’t until PAFCOE that I forced myself to shake hands and smile at people I didn’t know. I mingle and sometimes mingle well, but deep down, it always comes with personal battles.

I do not like to be vulnerable. I am afraid to be vulnerable. But to those I allow in my inner circle, I allow myself to cry, and express my hurts and disappointments.

And these are the people I easily cut off. Whenever I am hurt by someone I consider close to me or people I have experiences of trust, I take that by heart really hard… for years.

I remember cutting off a friend for years because he openly read my texts for him to his friends. I cut off a very close friend because she was the first one who laughed at me when we were swimming and my shorts were torn. A relationship with another very close friend was also cut off (both of us did) because of our differences then.

I cried during all these times, and the only solution I found was to cut off and close my heart. Years later, I remained friends with these people. There was no reconciliation. I do not even know if they knew I cut them off. Time just healed.

For the past two years, I cut off friends and family because I was hurt… And I am still carrying burdens of hurt until today…

I probably have been cut off by some, too, without me even knowing. For sure, I hurt many people without knowing or acknowledging.

My boyfriend even told me once that my solution was always to flee. Whenever I sense the possibility of getting hurt, I always flee and run away. Confrontational as I may seem, but for most close relationships, I always choose to run.

There is no Bible text or lesson to this post. I am still in the process of learning. I know Jesus is not someone who chooses to cut off. He always is humble and kind and would rather choose to be hurt than run. He is the perfect example of unconditional love…” though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved”…

I guess the only way to learn is to look to Jesus and abide with Him. Perhaps I am on my way to learning now that I’ve acknowledged this? Well, Jesus is my help.

Thoughts

Written 01.29.17

Appearance is not always reality. A straight set of teeth may need a root canal therapy. And a good preacher’s exhortation may have come from his bitter reality.

Presence.

PRESENCE.

What could be more comforting than presence? Language can’t even equal to the consolation that mere presence brings.

Women often express pain in words. Once they talk it through, they usually feel better. There are times, though, when even words become an insufficient balm for the soul.

When we question the validity of our emotions, sometimes, we choose to ignore them. Perhaps, sin has become so common. And because everyone sins, we feel we are only overreacting if we are hurt by the sins of others.

Sometimes, because of our need to protect, we choose to remain silent. There may also be times when we just don’t understand how we should react or how we should feel. So we try to dismiss — the feelings, the anger, the hurt.

Nevertheless, the pain remains. Buried. Deep. Unconfronted.

Other people say, “you can’t cry”. Crying is for the weak. Vulnerability won’t help. Stand up, get busy, do something.

So, you bury it even more. You take pain relievers. Then, more pain relievers. Plus more and more pain relievers.

Temporary pain relievers.

But the pain remains. More Buried. Deeper. Still Unconfronted.

Here is where you need presence. Silent, yes, but comforting.

When you don’t need to speak to be understood, nevertheless, you are understood. When you don’t need to say, “I need you to stay”, nevertheless, you are heard.

Others are blessed by keen friends. Friends who choose to silently pray, other friends choose to silently stay.

But if you don’t have those friends, there is one presence you need — Jesus. He can understand your deepest pain. In fact, He can feel every sting. With Him, vulnerability is allowed. Crying is okay. No judgments. No explanations. He will stay.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Ps 34:18, NIV.

Pain

Scribbled 10.20.2019

We live in a sin cursed world..

Pain is a result of sin — whether self inflicted or caused by others. You can feel the pain in your mouth either from a decayed tooth because of eating too much candies, or from a hard punch coming from an enemy- one self-inflicted, the other caused by someone else.

Regardless of origin, both are painful.

While we still live in this world, and Jesus has not come yet, pain is inevitable.

But the good news is, despite the reality of pain, we can take them to Jesus and find healing.

A decayed tooth can be extracted, a broken heart can be mended. Perhaps emotional pain takes years to recover, but Jesus can bind up wounds.

For some, full healing may not be possible at present, but when Jesus comes and restores things to the original, there will be no more nights, no more pain, never crying again.

“I HATE her because she’s….”–WHEN GOSSIP STRIKES HOME

Lami kaayo manlibak.

I discovered just recently that some of my friends gossiped about me behind my back. I mean, I cannot say they have no reason to, but you know, you understand it– it will always be a different feeling if they are your FRIENDS.

HURTING.

Of course, my initial reaction was the feeling of betrayal, hurt, and pain.

“Mga Plastic!”

I hated the idea of people commenting about your character without understanding the circumstances or reasons behind the actions. But just when I started telling God my frustrations, I heard conscience shouting…

“IKAW MAN POD!”

I remembered one time, I was talking to Friend1 about Friend2 about my apparent unliking of Friend2. Friend1 told me, “diba friends man mo, you even have names for each other”. It was a moment of “bitaw no, ngano pod bitaw” … but as usual, pride spurned conviction.

Lami jud kaayo manlibak.

I’ve gossiped about A LOT of my FRIENDS in my lifetime. Well, not that I don’t know about the “unchristianity” of gossip, but I’ve made a long list of justification why it’s not “gossip”.

“comment raman ni”

“kita raman pod ang kabalo ani“

“ayaw saba”

“friend man mi pero…”

“wala man mi nanglibak, storya lang”

etc…

kay lagi, lami jud kaayo manlibak.

Gossip does to us what other things do not — it’s an easy access to SELF-CONFIDENCE. Of course, righteousness is easy when we compare ourselves to others, right?

We easily get boosted by the mistakes of others. We feel better just because our sins are of a different color. We feel better because their sins are exposed, ours are hidden. We feel better because others have failed at areas we did not.

But you know what reality is? God sees those sins as the same. We are the same equal filthy people at the foot of the cross. Our sins may be of different hues, nonetheless, THEY ARE SINS. And hypocrisy could even be more filthy than other sins.

Lessons are different when it strikes home. And this is why I thank God even for the bitter experiences– because they teach me lessons. If I have not been personally hurt, I would have not considered my own faults.

I remember gossiping about a very close friend years ago. Back then, I did not understand the pain I put that person through– that it stings more when it comes from a person you trust. I just thought I was right with the principles I was holding.

Well, I guess there are lessons you learn not in months, but in years. Still, it’s better to learn, even if it takes a loooooong time.

I heard someone once said, “Will you gossip about Jesus? Well then, neither will you gossip about anyone for whom Jesus died. “

True enough. When we love someone, our love for them overpowers all the things we don’t like about them.

I guess we then need to come to Jesus. He can give us the heart to love others, our friends, even our enemies more than we love ourselves — yes, more than our love for our self-worth that we so easily covet from the mistakes of others.

As for me, I thank God for His long-suffering for my years-long of stupidity and hardheartedness.

Yesterday, we read about Eli– how after the judgment of God, he acknowledged his sins but did not repent. I’m praying for true repentance on this matter.

Really, acknowledgement doesn’t count without true repentance.

But I do know that even it will take years for me to live by this, God is more potent than my weaknesses. In His strength, I will overcome. We will overcome. #

_________________________________________

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Eph 4:29

“He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends.” Prov 17:9

“If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.” Jas 1:26

Setting and Clearing.

Recently, I posted on Facebook about my observations on how the youth views relationship topics nowadays.

This was what I wrote:

“Suddenly, almost everyone is becoming obsessed with relationship topics . Halos kada discussion, blog, article, post, meme, puro uyab2, ideals sa relationship, mga dapat, mga preparation. Pero bitaw, it tells something about unsay sulod sa daghan minds and hearts today”

I personally feel my post has been added, misinterpreted and expanded to either people’s preconceived notions of me, or their preconceived ideas, because they think their actions, ideals, and words were personally attacked. Thus, I am writing this blog, first to clarify the context, and second to answer the comments written on my post. I would also like to boldly say my understanding on the matter, which originally, I never wanted to voice out because I know not everyone will have an open mind to view another’s perspective, specially if it is unpopular.

WARNING: If you are a person who cannot separate facts from person, don’t continue reading. I have quoted lines but I DON’T TAKE IT AGAINST THE SPEAKER. My duty is to love people regardless of our differences in beliefs. Thus, though I don’t agree, and used their words to clarify my part, I AM NOT AGAINST THEM. So, if you like to take this personally, and expand my views and make it a disputation among brethren, IT IS ON YOU. YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD. So Stop, if you can’t take this. Choose a clear conscience over a talebearer spirit.

Let me point this out first:

He would seek to remove all occasion for misrepresentation, that the force of his message might not be lost. AA 349.1

a. Forgive me if my post was up for misinterpretation, and sorry if it has hurt you

b. I would like to seek to remove all cause of misrepresentation and explain reasons.

As such,

Number 1. CLARIFYING THE CONTEXT.

Most of the posts I see on my timeline specially from young people are about relationships. Now, this is not just coming from Seventh-day Adventist Youth, but youth in general. From jokes, to memes, to sana all, to blog posts, discussions, sermons, most young people talk about relationship.

Hence, the post. Now, I used the word obsessed. It was not premeditated. I wrote the post for like 1 minute and used words which first came to mind.

Overall, my intention was to say, ALL THESE STUFFS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS ARE SPEAKING IN VOLUMES ABOUT WHAT IS IN THE HEARTS AND MINDS TODAY.

Number 2. ANSWERING THE COMMENTS MADE ON MY POST

a. “Obsessed”

Obsessed may be a strong language. yes. but technically, it is CORRECT.

Merriam Webster:

“Obsess: to think and talk about someone or something too much”

What I noticed is that young people are talking too much about relationships at this time. I NEVER MENTIONED IN MY POST whether that is correct or not, or what my opinion is about that. But I will say my cents on the third part of this write up.

I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT that, I only said “almost everyone are obsessed about relationship TOPICS”. I said obsession to the TOPIC. I did not used the word to refer to a person who yearns to have someone to share his/her life with. THAT IS FACT. and we must be careful in putting our own interpretation to the words of another person.

b. having a boyfriend with the same religious preferences made me unable to relate with people who are lonely

I had my first and only relationship when I was 26 years old. From that time, until now, I still feel lonely from time to time. Ask my boyfriend, he can 100% attest to that. PERSONAL FACT: Being in a relationship has made me even feel the longing to be with somebody (my boyfriend) than when I was happily single and not minding if I am with somebody or not.

And this is what I learned from experience. Everytime I pray, I feel so happy and secure. The type of happiness that I felt with God has never been provided by my boyfriend, and vice versa. But I don’t fuss about it.

“Feelings of unrest and homesickness or loneliness may be for your good. Your heavenly Father means to teach you to find in Him the friendship and love and consolation that will satisfy your most earnest hopes and desires. You safety and hapiness are in making Christ your constant counselor. You can be happy in Him if you had not another friend in the wide world” 1MCP 127.3

Thus, it is only when we are in Jesus and make Him our constant friend that we become satisfied. A BOYFRIEND or even a HUSBAND will never take away that loneliness hole that only Jesus can fill. They could be veneers, but never replacements.

As such, having a boyfriend did not make me unable to feel the loneliness of others. LONELINESS is a general feeling.I FEEL IT, too. The degree may be varying depending on environments and situations, the cause may be different, but everyone feels loneliness, in one way or another.

c. generalizations that these individuals (who do the things included in the post) are just focusing on finding a mate and have no personal relationship with Jesus

I NEVER SAID THAT. NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

d. i want to deviate from this type of social media discussion

AGAIN, I NEVER SAID THAT. READ MY POST AGAIN, you will never see that. You may say it’s implied, but that is YOUR JUDGMENT. Not my intention. It is never difficult to ask and clarify first, “by saying that, do you mean this?”. For me, that is discussion. But of course, it is always easier to assume from intuition. However, intuition is not always correct.

e. ATTACK against institutions, persons

if my post seemed an attack to you, YOU MISSED THE WHOLE POINT OF MY POST. My point was so easy to understand.But one needs to separate feelings from facts first.

Having CLARIFIED things, here is the last part.

Number 3. MY “TWO CENTS”

I purposefully did not speak about my thoughts on the matter because i don’t think it is of value to a world where there are lots of different positions, opinions and reactions on a matter such as relationships.

Again, I only said, THE OBSESSION ABOUT THIS TOPIC TELLS US WHAT IS IN THE MIND AND HEARTS OF MANY.

As I said in the comments, the implications of that could be both good or bad. Why?

1. The evidence tells us volumes about the state of our young people today. These are, but not limited to, :

a. they are lonely in general- which could be from many various causes and is a whole large topic in itself- effect of social media, effect of MEDIA, korean dramas, time on screen, less physical relationship with family, poor relationship with God, depression, trauma, pain in childhood, and list could be endless

b. they long for companionship

c. they love topics about relationship, and the reason why I used the term “obsessed” was because, it seems to be always the talk for many these days

SO WHAT’S THE IMPLICATION? I said, could be good or bad

Good. When we use this to our advantage and EDUCATE and HELP young people about the counsels and the testimonies, THIS COULD BE A BLESSING. I believe there are different ministries today who are talking, writing, posting, blogging about the counsels, USING GOD’S WORD, to capitalize and use this period where hearts are most receptive to the message and where interest about this matter is high.

I WILL MAKE THIS CLEAR:
I NEVER SAID IT IS WRONG TO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

Bad. Now when does this become bad? In many forms, and in many ways. But here is what comes to mind (again, this is not limited to this).

When the situation is used to share something that is not biblically based. If there was a time where the word of God is needed, it is today. And opinions would not be as beneficial. Now, if you think I am referring to a certain institution, that is your judgment. Sorry, but I don’t have the privilege to watch long videos during this quarantine. Thus, I never watched sermons online during these times. But when I said, “is not biblically based”, I am referring to a lot of things, it could be posting something not biblical, etc. I leave that to your discretion.

NOW TO END THIS.

“OBSESSION”

“In the time of Noah…God was not in all their thoughts. They had no care whether he approved their course or not. They were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, with no thought of their Creator, or of their responsibility to him” RH 9/25/88

“Even some of those who profess the truth are corrupt and the same sins exist now that existed before the destruction of the old world by a flood. The world is almost ripe now for destruction, as it was then. I saw that when they were eating and drinking, marrying and being given in marriage, the flood came and took them all away. I saw that the hearts of the young are now filled with the thought of getting married. Some of them become disobedient to their parents, become wanton, and marry without the counsel of their parents or the church of God. Not having God in all their thoughts, not inquiring whether it is according to His will or pleasure or not, they do not marry to glorify God but to gratify their loose passions and their depraved lusts. Such sins as these brought the flood upon the old world, and destroyed sinners who would not bear God in their thoughts.” 7 MR 368.4

“There are persons who have for some time made a profession of religion who are, to all intent and purposes, without God and without a sensitive conscience. They are vain and trifling,; their conversation is of a low order. Courtship and marriage occupy the mind, to the exclusion of higher and nobler thoughts” AH 51.5

“The young are bewitched with the mania for courtship and marriage. Lovesick sentimentalism prevails. Great vigilance and tact are needed to guard the youth from these wrong influences” AH 52.1

“Under the debasing power of sensual indulgence, or the untimely excitement of courtship and marriage, many students fail to reach that height of mental development which they might otherwise have attained” CE 36.3

“While at school, students should not allow their minds to become confused by thought of courtship. They are to gain a fitness to work for God, and this thought is ever to be uppermost. Let all students take as broad a view as possible of their obligations to God. Let them study earnestly how they can do practical work for the Master during their student life. Let them refuse to burden the souls of their teachers by showing a spirit of levity and careless disregard of rules.” CT 100.2

AND THE LIST GOES ON.

Question. IS IT WRONG TO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS?

The clear answer is NO.

Is it wrong to blog about relationships? Is it wrong to discuss about relationships? Is it wrong to post or write about relationships?

CAPS LOCKED, Bold. NO.

BUT HERE’s THE ROB:

When courtship and marriage occupy the mind, to the exclusion of higher and nobler thoughts, when there is untimely excitement of courtship and marriage, IT COULD BE DANGEROUS. THAT’s THE DANGER that I want to point out.. – when we become too obsessed about it that all we talk about is courtship and marriage, and we foster our feelings of loneliness, and devote much of our time looking for someone, a person to fill that loneliness. True, man is a social being, there is an innate need to be loved. True, IT IS PART OF US. But when it’s consuming, occupying our minds, and making our minds DEVOID of other subjects, such as those of high and noble themes, THAT IS WORTH THE SECOND THOUGHT.

Now, I am not in a position to tell who does that or not. We are all to appear before the judgment seat of Christ. I AM IN NO WISE NOT GUILTY, BECAUSE, I TOO, NEED TO EXAMINE MYSELF. Even if I have a boyfriend, even if I don’t post much, God knows how my thoughts run, and I could be as guilty as someone who openly tells it to the public. There is no room for hyprocrisy here.

But here’s a thing I want to point out as well,

“While at school, students should not allow their minds to become confused by thought of courtship. They are to gain a fitness to work for God, and this thought is ever to be uppermost. Let all students take as broad a view as possible of their obligations to God. Let them study earnestly how they can do practical work for the Master during their student life. Let them refuse to burden the souls of their teachers by showing a spirit of levity and careless disregard of rules.” CT 100.2

Here is where many of us are lacking BECAUSE even though many of us are experts in relationships (AGAIN, NOT SAYING IT IS BAD), we are not masters on making ourselves fit for GOD. How many of us know in a broad view our obligations to God? How many of us delight to study the Bible everyday and know His will to make us fit for His work? How many of us are searching our hearts today and afflicting our souls? How many of us are giving our attention to those themes?

IN THESE LAST DAYS, where should MUCH of our interest lie?

__

Before I rest my case, I would like to point out specific things:

1. I believe it is wrong to translate exhortations as judgments. We could choose to be emotional and imagine ourselves being oppressed, but let me quote Ralph Waldo Emerson,

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted”

Reading the Bible , and specially the testimonies of the Spirit of Prophecy, makes pain your friend, and exhortations your saving grace. When we read, we find ourselves cut, bruised, an even insulted. but for what? For making us WHOLE.

And again, to say these things doesn’t mean I am judging anyone and saying they don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus. Far from it. God forbid!

2. AD HOMINEM. (Sorry lawyers) I believe I am also growing much like anybody else. Thus, everything I said could be applied to myself as well. Again, hyprocrisy should have no room here. I am a sinner, and is probably more guilty of these sins more than anybody else. So let’s focus on the topic, not on me and my character (not on you, too). After all, those above are Sop statements.

3. Laodicea’s remedy is not lukewarm water. Oftentimes, we go on the safe side of things. because yeah, we are “peaceable” . But take a look at 1 Thes 5:3. Our duty is to preach repentance and remission of sins. Again, it bruises but it heals. Philadelphia had a little strength, they were few, but they kept God’s Word. It is not always the majority that holds truth. Some truths are unpopular, and in order to see it, it is eyesalve that we need.

4. I fully understand and believe that Jesus always told the truth, but He uttered it always in love. I would like to believe that I had uttered the words in a loving manner, but I guess, this platform has limited me in a lot of ways. And so, i would like to ask your forgiveness if my words hurt you and cut you unnecessarily, and were not reflective of Jesus. I am also, like you, a learner at Jesus’ feet.

Case laid to rest. #

To rebukes that make us sore

Could revolting when our will is crossed a symptom of scanty reading of His Word?

The Word is a two-edged sword. I oftentimes find His Word difficult, cutting, hurting, and insulting. And then I proceed to the testimonies and find them even more straight forward, slapping me till it sores so much.

But then I remember the Bible saying ,

For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole. Job 5:18 (KJV)

Wounding is sometimes healing. Rebukes cut, but they make us sane. Looking at our true colors and accepting them, is not an enemy. It creates meekness and humility. The bitter pills may be hard to swallow, but they are sweet to the stomach.

Take time to read, and your views will be enlightened. And while reading, your will may be crossed, it may be bruised, but it will not be the end of the story. There will be healing.

I am not perfect, and perhaps may have committed sins more grave than the reader, but this is the reason why I need this. I need His Word to be wounded and allow Him to make me whole again.

Keep the Bridle

I will keep the bridle until I have perused God’s Word,

and my school of thoughts inclined to His.

For the things that come out of my mouth, it said, I will meet again,

and by it, I shall be condemned.

The world is full of opinions, my heart says this is it.

But then I read the Bible, and it tells no, that’s not it.

Where then should I listen? To my heart or to His Word?

I then choose to make the Bible, my guide in this world.

My resolve then is to keep the bridle, I never knew I’d need.

But this I vow, His Word I would ever heed.

By His grace, make my life consistent-a feat I will never think I’ll complete.

But I will keep the bridle, till men see I read and lived.

Contentment.

When I was younger, I felt the continual unrest from the struggle of making myself significant.

There was the need to speak up during meetings and devotionals, a need to be present on every event, a need to be seen knowing and doing. Love for ministry was mixed with both pride and insecurity — by pretense, or denial.

While my youth had strength, it was tinted with selfish desires, unknowingly probably, or if I am to be honest, conviction spurned.

I had to be important.

Today, I feel I need only Jesus. Busy activity had never satisfied my soul. Reputation never gave me peace because deep inside I know that not all that is perceived is reality.

The urgency of His coming has given me unrest because I know the outside doesn’t matter, won’t matter.

I talk of closet Christianity but if there is a time I should live it, it is now.

And I have to overcome.

The world doesn’t need to know my sacrifice, my benevolence, my ministry, my overcoming. Jesus’ knowledge is enough.

And if my age today taught me one thing, it is prizing that personal relationship with my Savior.

Finding my joy in making Him happy in secret, fighting and overcoming with Him in secret, ministering to others with Him without letting my left hand know- this is the prize, this is contentment.

Written 01.29.2020